Need to vent

Arghhh! So last night I spent the night in the ER, which is my second trip so far this pregnancy. I just got off the phone with my doctor's office, and they said that apparently my insurance company, United HealthCare, only uses one home health care agency in town...guess what, that agency doesn't do IV's! Are you kidding me? Arghh! I am so irritated! This means that every time I need fluids, I will have to either call me doctor's office and schedule an appt to go into the infusion center, or just go back to the ER. I was really hoping for home health care this time, b/c with kids, I can't just drop everything and go into the hospital every few days.

No wonder everyone calls them "United Health Who Cares?" !!!

Recap of last weekend

This is copied from my post on the HER network, b/c I didn't want to have to type it all over again.

I am due Dec. 2nd. The vomitting started last Wednesday, just before I hit 6 weeks. On Saturday, I started vomitting up the bile, and I couldn't stop it. I went into the ER, and they admitted me with moderate ketones. Saturday night, right after they started me on my 4th bag of fluids, I started coughing so hard I couldn't breathe! I was sweating profusely, and I couldn't stop coughing. I was scared, my nurse was scared, and things started happening fast. A stat EKG was ordered, a chest x-ray, and lots of labs, too. Long story short, my heart and lungs are fine, but they said I developed "wet lungs" from getting too much fluids too fast. Funny thing is, the next day at noon, my ketones were measured, and they were still at moderate. Something doesn't seem to add up there. I was discharged Monday morning after not being able to eat or drink anything Monday, and still throwing up. But, I had been able to keep down a little supper Sunday night, and my pee was starting to look more normal.

My doctor said that because of the state of my veins, next time they will probably put a PICC line in. Goodness, I begged my last doc for one, and he refused! So glad my new doc seems to get it better.

It has begun...

Well, I haven't stopped throwing up today. The count is now up to 5 times, with keeping nothing down....

The good news is that yesterday we had our second ultrasound, and we saw his/her heartbeat! We were dated at 5w5d, with a due date of December 2nd, which puts our c-section date at right around Thanksgiving....barring sickness so severe that they have to take this little one early. HOPEfully that is not the case.

AND, right after I left my OB's, I was in a car accident. Thankfully, I am ok, but a lady sideswiped me, and put a couple small dents in the van. She said she didn't see me, or even feel hitting me, she only heard the scrape! Unfortunately, the impact of her hitting me seemed to stretch out my round ligaments to far, and I was having a lot of cramping yesterday and over night. But, it's over now...well until I have to start on the paperwork...

I'm about to burst!

I just want to be able to share the news with someone! But, alas I will continue to wait....

hCG is doubling nicely!

Yeah! My hCG is just over 20,000 today, and supposedly I am only about 5 weeks along. Crazy how high that number is! The good thing is that my doctor is very pleased, and we will have another ultrasound tomorrow. I know we probably won't see a heartbeat yet, but one can always hope, right? Perhaps my high numbers explain the brick in my tummy, and my super sensitive smeller. I am just hoping that HG stays away for at least another week. I want to have time to give the house a deep clean before I can't do it for another however many months!

hCG

My hCG levels are over 2,000, which means we have an ultrasound tomorrow morning! Yeah! Hoping to see a healthy little one. Maybe then I will be able to let some of this anxiety go. It's so funny how the Lord keeps reminding me of Psalms 46. On my way to my doc's appt. this morning, the song on the radio was based on Psalms 46, and it kept saying be still. Being still is something that I need to work on!

Positive!

It has been almost 6 weeks since I last miscarried. Yesterday I called my doctor, because I have never had to wait so long for my period to come back after a miscarriage. He told me to take a pregnancy test, and if it was negative, to wait another 2-3 weeks before calling him back. Well, I took a test this morning, and it is positive! Actually, it turned positive when I was still peeing on it, which is a good sign. With our last pregnancy, it didn't turn positive until about 3 or 4 minutes later, and even then it was really hard to see. This time it turned up immediately, so at least I know my hormone levels are higher than last time...which gives me hope. Now, because it is Saturday, I will have to wait to see the doc until Monday, which is a little unnerving, because I want to make sure my HCG and my progesterone levels are good. I just want some reassurance. I think I will just go ahead and start my progesterone tonight, since I still have some left from February.

Aghhh! I am so anxious! I can't believe that I am pregnant again! We weren't even trying, because we were told that most women don't ovulate their first cycle after a mc. Apparently, some do...me! I just want so badly to be able to see the future. With everything we have gone through, I just need to know this baby will make it to my arms. I am a little crampy, which I always am in the beginning of pregnancy, but it still worries me.

I am so thankful, last week in my devotions, God gave me a great passage that has just been in my mind everyday since then. It is Psalms 46, which talks about how God is my refuge and strength. It says that no matter what happens in this world, I need not fear. My favorite part of the chapter is verse 10, which says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Somehow, I don't think that my worry and anxiety fits into being still before God. This verse is just the perspective that I need right now. With everything that is coming in the next weeks, and hopefully months, this verse, and my God, will carry me through. Of this I can be sure.

Detatched

Why is it that people think I should just "get over it" and move on? My baby died! I think I have the right to grieve, to cry, to get angry, and to ask for help! But, I feel like I am just expected to magically be ok after a few tears. Well, suprise, I am not ok. Is something wrong with me? I don't know , but I do know that I feel like I just can't hardly be a mother to my boys right now. Not the kind of mother they deserve anyways. I would just rather sleep.

It seems strange to say it, but this loss has been easier than the last few. I am not sure if it is because we knew from the beginning that this child had less than a 50% chance of survival, or if it is because I just never connected with this child for fear of being hurt. That is a pretty lousy thing for a mom to say, now isn't it!

My poor husband, he has been so strong for me, but I know how much he has been hurting. To make matters worse, after the few days he took off to be home with me while I miscarried, he went back to work only to have his boss (who knew that we had just miscarried) announce to everyone that his wife was pregnant and due when we should have been due. It makes me angry that his boss would put that on him. Does he have no heart? I know that life doesn't revolve around me and my heartaches, but come on.

Ok, Change the attitude...so on a positive note, my HCG levels are back down to zero, which means we are free to ttc again. This is such a blessing, b/c with our last miscarriage, it took months for my hormone levels to get back to normal. I was just a mess last time, with milk and everything. But, I figure with my odds being slightly less than 50/50 of having a healthy baby, and figuring in my 4 miscarriages and 2 boys, I should have a healthy baby this next time. Maybe by the end of the year?

He knows my sorrow

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Yesterday, we were told that unfortunately, my HCG levels were barely rising, they had gone from 174 to 186 in two days. This means that we are in the middle of a coming miscarriage, we just don't know when it will happen. When I heard the words "I'm so sorry" from my nurse, I lost it. I cried, I wept, I sobbed with every fiber of my being. Unless you have lost a child, you just don't know what it is like. We have now given 4 of our babies back to God. Before we could ever hold them in our arms, they were held in the arms of our Heavenly Father. I don't know how any woman could go through the pain of losing a child without that hope.

I wanted to share Psalm 56:8, because I am so thankful for that verse! My God, the God of the whole universe, the God who loves me, is keeping track of every single one of my tears! What an amazing promise.

He's got the whole world in His hands

Well, Sunday night I started feeling a lot of cramps, especially in my low back and hips. I called the on call doctor, and he said he wanted me on bedrest and pushing fluids until I could see my doctor. Unfortunately, my OB was in surgery the first half of the day on Monday, so I wasn't able to see him until yesterday (tuesday). I went in for an ultrasound, and when I should have been able to see a heartbeat, all we could see was a thickened endometrium. The good news is that there was no evidence of a miscarriage, no collapsed sack or anything. But, this means that either I am in the middle of a miscarriage, or that perhaps our dates are off and I am only in my 4th week. My OB ordered a stat HCG, and it came back at 174, which is compatible with being in your 4th week of pregnancy. However, we are going to have it rechecked on Thursday to see whether it has doubled, or if it is going down. I am trying to remain hopeful. I am so thankful that I have hope, that I know Who holds tomorrow. I am trusting in the fact that my God holds the whole world in His hands. He holds MY world in His hands, and I know He has a plan for my life, and He has a plan for this pregnancy.

Thank you Lord for saving my soul
Thank you Lord for making me whole
Thank you Lord for giving to me
Thy great salvation so rich and free

James 1:3
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

I think it's starting...

Thursday night was supposed to be a nice date night for my husband and I, but after dinner, I came home and promptly starting throwing up. Yuck! I threw up my dinner, and then yesterday, I threw up my breakfast. Thankfully, lunch and dinner yesterday stayed down. Today my tummy is a little off, but I am anticipating my friend HG to rear it's ugly head within the next week or so. One good thing is that with my cold, I can hardly smell anything, so I think that is keeping some of my nausea at bay. If only I had a magic calender that gave me play by plays of how I was going to feel everyday, then I could at least be prepared! Oh well, I will just choose to be thankful for my little blessings, and take each day as it comes.

I'm sick, but not HG sick....yet

Ughhh. I have had a cold for several days now, but today I just feel like I've been hit by a truck! Thankfully I don't have a fever, though. I had to take my youngest son in to the doctor yesterday, as he was developing an ear infection from his cold. I am hoping that hot packs and zinc lozenges will get me over this cold so that I don't have to take any antibiotics. I am not a fan of medications of any kind anyways, but especially not in early pregnancy! Today, I am just thankful that I am still *fluffy* ! I am hoping for another good week or so before I start in on the HG. We'll see...

We are Pregnant!

Yeah! I just found out today that we are pregnant once again! We are so excited, and scared, nervous and blissful...all at the same time! I have been a little nauseous for the past few days, so this morning I took a test, and it came back positive! Because I have a tendency to have low progesterone levels, I went in to see my doctor today. They did some bloodwork, and put me on progesterone just to be safe. My level was actually 19.6, which is way higher than I have ever had before. However, they like to see a number over 20, so because of my history, I will have to take progesterone supplements for the first 16 weeks or so.

My nurse was new, and really sweet. She told me that if I am nauseous, I just need to try and eat a little every 1-2 hours, and make sure I am drinking plenty. This is great advice for anyone with morning sickness, but HG is clearly not just morning sickness. Thankfully my doctor understands the difference. This will be our first full pregnancy with our new doctor, and I am hopeful that once the HG hits full force, I will be able to do more home health care, and therefore avoid all of the ER trips and maybe get by with only a few hospital stays. Until then, I will just take it day by day, and give thanks for every day that the Lord gives me with this child.

What is Hyperemesis Gravidarum?

(Taken from hyperemesis.org)
Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a severe form of nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. It is generally described as unrelenting, excessive pregnancy-related nausea and/or vomiting that prevents adequate intake of food and fluids. If severe and/or inadequately treated, it is typically associated with:

loss of greater than 5% of pre-pregnancy body weight (usually over 10%)
dehydration and production of ketones
nutritional deficiencies
metabolic imbalances
difficulty with daily activities
HG usually extends beyond the first trimester and may resolve by 21 weeks; however, it can last the entire pregnancy in less than half of these women. Complications of vomiting (e.g. gastric ulcers, esophageal bleeding, malnutrition, etc.) may also contribute to and worsen ongoing nausea.

Just to put a little perspective on this, with my first son, I lost between 10-11% of my body weight, and I was sick from 6 weeks until 19 weeks. With my second son, I lost just over 14% of my body weight, and I was sick from 7 weeks until about 27 weeks. My HG was much more severe the second time, and I ended up spending a LOT of time in the hostpital. I remember looking at one of our insurance claims, and it said that in the month of June, I had been in the hospital for over half of the month!

You may think that I am being weak, and just not handling my morning sickness very well. To that, I ask you how well you would handle throwing up 10+ times a day, peeing yourself and being covered in petechiae from the sheer force of the vomitting episodes,and not being able to sit up for fear of falling! It is not a fun ordeal by any means, but because of the obvious reward of a healthy child at the end, I am willing to do it all again. Call me crazy, if you will. ;)