Detatched

Why is it that people think I should just "get over it" and move on? My baby died! I think I have the right to grieve, to cry, to get angry, and to ask for help! But, I feel like I am just expected to magically be ok after a few tears. Well, suprise, I am not ok. Is something wrong with me? I don't know , but I do know that I feel like I just can't hardly be a mother to my boys right now. Not the kind of mother they deserve anyways. I would just rather sleep.

It seems strange to say it, but this loss has been easier than the last few. I am not sure if it is because we knew from the beginning that this child had less than a 50% chance of survival, or if it is because I just never connected with this child for fear of being hurt. That is a pretty lousy thing for a mom to say, now isn't it!

My poor husband, he has been so strong for me, but I know how much he has been hurting. To make matters worse, after the few days he took off to be home with me while I miscarried, he went back to work only to have his boss (who knew that we had just miscarried) announce to everyone that his wife was pregnant and due when we should have been due. It makes me angry that his boss would put that on him. Does he have no heart? I know that life doesn't revolve around me and my heartaches, but come on.

Ok, Change the attitude...so on a positive note, my HCG levels are back down to zero, which means we are free to ttc again. This is such a blessing, b/c with our last miscarriage, it took months for my hormone levels to get back to normal. I was just a mess last time, with milk and everything. But, I figure with my odds being slightly less than 50/50 of having a healthy baby, and figuring in my 4 miscarriages and 2 boys, I should have a healthy baby this next time. Maybe by the end of the year?

He knows my sorrow

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Yesterday, we were told that unfortunately, my HCG levels were barely rising, they had gone from 174 to 186 in two days. This means that we are in the middle of a coming miscarriage, we just don't know when it will happen. When I heard the words "I'm so sorry" from my nurse, I lost it. I cried, I wept, I sobbed with every fiber of my being. Unless you have lost a child, you just don't know what it is like. We have now given 4 of our babies back to God. Before we could ever hold them in our arms, they were held in the arms of our Heavenly Father. I don't know how any woman could go through the pain of losing a child without that hope.

I wanted to share Psalm 56:8, because I am so thankful for that verse! My God, the God of the whole universe, the God who loves me, is keeping track of every single one of my tears! What an amazing promise.

He's got the whole world in His hands

Well, Sunday night I started feeling a lot of cramps, especially in my low back and hips. I called the on call doctor, and he said he wanted me on bedrest and pushing fluids until I could see my doctor. Unfortunately, my OB was in surgery the first half of the day on Monday, so I wasn't able to see him until yesterday (tuesday). I went in for an ultrasound, and when I should have been able to see a heartbeat, all we could see was a thickened endometrium. The good news is that there was no evidence of a miscarriage, no collapsed sack or anything. But, this means that either I am in the middle of a miscarriage, or that perhaps our dates are off and I am only in my 4th week. My OB ordered a stat HCG, and it came back at 174, which is compatible with being in your 4th week of pregnancy. However, we are going to have it rechecked on Thursday to see whether it has doubled, or if it is going down. I am trying to remain hopeful. I am so thankful that I have hope, that I know Who holds tomorrow. I am trusting in the fact that my God holds the whole world in His hands. He holds MY world in His hands, and I know He has a plan for my life, and He has a plan for this pregnancy.

Thank you Lord for saving my soul
Thank you Lord for making me whole
Thank you Lord for giving to me
Thy great salvation so rich and free

James 1:3
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

I think it's starting...

Thursday night was supposed to be a nice date night for my husband and I, but after dinner, I came home and promptly starting throwing up. Yuck! I threw up my dinner, and then yesterday, I threw up my breakfast. Thankfully, lunch and dinner yesterday stayed down. Today my tummy is a little off, but I am anticipating my friend HG to rear it's ugly head within the next week or so. One good thing is that with my cold, I can hardly smell anything, so I think that is keeping some of my nausea at bay. If only I had a magic calender that gave me play by plays of how I was going to feel everyday, then I could at least be prepared! Oh well, I will just choose to be thankful for my little blessings, and take each day as it comes.

I'm sick, but not HG sick....yet

Ughhh. I have had a cold for several days now, but today I just feel like I've been hit by a truck! Thankfully I don't have a fever, though. I had to take my youngest son in to the doctor yesterday, as he was developing an ear infection from his cold. I am hoping that hot packs and zinc lozenges will get me over this cold so that I don't have to take any antibiotics. I am not a fan of medications of any kind anyways, but especially not in early pregnancy! Today, I am just thankful that I am still *fluffy* ! I am hoping for another good week or so before I start in on the HG. We'll see...