Detatched

Why is it that people think I should just "get over it" and move on? My baby died! I think I have the right to grieve, to cry, to get angry, and to ask for help! But, I feel like I am just expected to magically be ok after a few tears. Well, suprise, I am not ok. Is something wrong with me? I don't know , but I do know that I feel like I just can't hardly be a mother to my boys right now. Not the kind of mother they deserve anyways. I would just rather sleep.

It seems strange to say it, but this loss has been easier than the last few. I am not sure if it is because we knew from the beginning that this child had less than a 50% chance of survival, or if it is because I just never connected with this child for fear of being hurt. That is a pretty lousy thing for a mom to say, now isn't it!

My poor husband, he has been so strong for me, but I know how much he has been hurting. To make matters worse, after the few days he took off to be home with me while I miscarried, he went back to work only to have his boss (who knew that we had just miscarried) announce to everyone that his wife was pregnant and due when we should have been due. It makes me angry that his boss would put that on him. Does he have no heart? I know that life doesn't revolve around me and my heartaches, but come on.

Ok, Change the attitude...so on a positive note, my HCG levels are back down to zero, which means we are free to ttc again. This is such a blessing, b/c with our last miscarriage, it took months for my hormone levels to get back to normal. I was just a mess last time, with milk and everything. But, I figure with my odds being slightly less than 50/50 of having a healthy baby, and figuring in my 4 miscarriages and 2 boys, I should have a healthy baby this next time. Maybe by the end of the year?